At first the universe was cold and dark, without form or meaning. Timeless epochs began and ended, all of them indifferent to their own pointless existence and the implacable pall of reality.
Until from this terrible void came the KAYHI CLASS OF 1999 20TH YEAR REUNION SCHEDULE!
Please note, the following itinerary is fixed and immutable. It cannot be reasoned with. It cannot be fought. We cannot run from it, we cannot swim. No ferry, float plane, marina or breakwall offers the possibility of safe harbor or escape. Also, attendance is mandatory: failure to participate will be noted on your permanent record and will result in your parents receiving an automated phonecall from Bob Hewitt.
Friday: all parties arrive. Opening ceremonies will begin at noon at 417 Dock St. Cash sandwich bar and soda fountain available; the sub of the day will be tuna.
1:15pm: we depart for the Coliseum theater. Please be sure to bring valid ID as the f*t lady's only joy in this world is grubbing her buttery salted mitts all over our various forms of personal identification.
5pm: Class Group Round Table Discussion. How do we collectively wish to contribute to Kayhi students both current and future? Do we create a dating app? One that could only be made available to eligible Ketchikan High School singles? To help them better navigate the perilous waters of high risk/high school romance? And do we call this dating app "Go Fish... for KINGS"? Discuss.
9pm: Keychains and Coat Collections! Bring your key fobs and your winter coats, because we're having a fashion show! Winners will be chosen based on color, style, and best overall jingle. Location: TBA. Question: does anyone know of a catwalk located on or around Revillagigedo?
Saturday: 6am trombone competition (competitors must bring their own brass). Location: sidewalk in front of 2928 Baranof Ave. Mr. Bolling will be judging all performances from the comfort of his own bed until such a time as the police arrive.
7:30am. Our day of service begins! Today we give back to the community that nurtured and supported us while we were young. We do this because it's important, and we do it by repaving the First Bank parking lot. We will be working with hot, noxious asphalt, so be sure to don your protective clothing, eyewear, and respirators. Also, we have already secured and approved the operator for the Steam Rolling Equipment (hereafter referred to as SRE, pronounced "sree") No one besides the approved operator may operate the SRE. There will be no "taking turns". If you have your own SRE, do not bring it! Cover your SRE with a sheet, turn off the lights, and leave it at home. SREiously.
9pm: we commandeer KRBD for a special Redhead Radio Retrospective: What Happened to Ska Music? Then we drive around blasting our pirate signal to all the salmon and seagulls still listening to Ketchikan's public access radio station.
Sunday: 10am piano lesson brunch feat. Mrs Bruce (if she's still with us). Location: Bayview Cemetery (if otherwise)
10:15am. We begrudgingly admit that even after all these years, we still can't stand each other, we throw our hands up, and we all go home.
UPDATE: clarifications are as follows
1: "Which first bank parking lot location are we repaving? Is it the branch I use?"
Hint: it's not the one downtown, because that one doesn't have a parking lot and we're not repaving the fucking dock.
2: "What about the parade? We need to make a float!"
No. We are not doing that.
3: "Why did you invite everyone but Kirsten Mix?"
That girl flips out anytime a person so much as double dips a chip. Do we really want to see how she would nuclearly react in a three mile island/twenty year reunion scenario? For the sake of Frito Lay, let's not.
4: "You shouldn't call people 'fat', it's mean"
I didn't call anyone anything, I used an asterisk. I haven't seen the f*t lady at the movie theater in twenty years, who knows, maybe she got herself together and is super fit now.
5: "What about a theme? We can't have a reunion without a theme!"
What? Ok, fine. Our fundamental guiding philosophy for this event will be: Clearly None Of Us Have Anything Worth Actually Caring About In Our Lives
6: "Trombone contest? How's that supposed to work?"
All standard competitive tromboning rules apply.